In his State of the Union Address last week, President Obama yet again—for the love of children—called for stricter gun control. Never one to let a tragedy go to waste, Obama and his ilk are clamoring to rid the streets of so-called “assault weapons” (unless of course those weapons are wielded by government employees).
It only stands to reason that the Left would demonize “assault rifles” given the fact that all of the victims at Sandy Hook were killed with handguns (as are most folks who are murdered with firearms).
You don’t believe an “assault rifle” wasn’t used in Newtown? Watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGn4o1Lb6L0
Now, if you won’t believe NBC News…who will you believe?
So for the sake of our children who escape abortion, we’ve got to ban “assault rifles.”
But we can do more. We’ve got to ban all sorts of things. (For the sake of our children and all things good, there’s just no end to the things needing to be banned.) Last week’s news cycle is overflowing with such things.
Speaking of overflowing: consider the ill-named Carnival Cruise ship, Triumph. Over 4,000 folks spent days onboard without electricity or functioning toilets. This is the most unfortunate, unnecessary travesty since Michelle Obama got bangs.
For the sake of human decency we should ban clippers and cruisers. We may even need a commission to examine scissors and schooners.
Even so, the unflappable Carnival CEO, Gerry Cahill, astutely remarked: "We pride ourselves in providing our guests with a great vacation experience, and clearly we failed in this particular case."
Yeah. We should ban CEO’s too.
Then there’s the tale of Christopher Dorner. His saga begins, and oddly enough it also ends, with the LAPD firing him. Dorner claims, in a manifesto of sorts, that he was the victim of racism the first time he was fired by the LAPD back in 2009.
Naturally, because of this claim Dorner has a cadre of admirers, prompting Marc Lamont Hill to gush,
As far as Dorner himself goes, he’s been like a real life superhero to many people. Now don't get me wrong. What he did was awful . . . but when you read his manifesto, when you read the message that he left, he wasn’t entirely crazy. He had a plan and a mission here. And many people aren't rooting for him to kill innocent people. They are rooting for somebody who was wronged to get a kind of revenge against the system. It’s almost like watching Django Unchained in real life. It’s kind of exciting.
For the public good, my approach is two-pronged. First, manifestos should be limited to 10 paragraphs. (NOBODY needs a manifesto holding up to 30 or more paragraphs!) Second, phantom racism should be banned. No one commits more real crimes than folks who chronically suffer from imaginary ones.
(Also, it may not be a bad idea to disarm the LAPD.)
While we’re contemplating race, let’s not overlook the troubled South Africa. (No, I’m not talking about the ignored White genocide there, but the murderous Olympic blade runner, Oscar Pistorius.)
Pistorius is accused of murdering his girlfriend. It is alleged that he shot the model/reality TV star four times and hit her with a cricket bat.
Therefore, for the sake of all that is not morally reprehensible, I propose that not only should all reality TV shows be banned; but also, anyone who would purchase a cricket bat should be subject to background checks and psychoanalysis.
(Incidentally, there are reports of steroids in the Olympian’s house. Thus, I call for an immediate ban on roid rage.)
Finally, we come to the most alarming news story of last week. Of course, I refer to the “Sip Heard Round the World.” What was Marco Rubio thinking?
I’m sure we can all agree that gulping water from a plastic bottle is environmentally unconscionable and well below the dignity of a United States Senator. How can we believe a word flowing from his formerly parched lips?
We don’t need another water-gate. We should ban Marco Rubio.