Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Signs You're a Republican


You revere the Constitution but revile Ron Paul. 

You recently joined Mormon missionaries going door-to-door in effort to “get out the vote.” 

Your mantra is: “It’s better to fight ‘em over there than to not fight ‘em at all.” 

You imbibe FOX NEWS like it’s the nectar of the gods. 

At your last church council meeting you demanded voter ID.  

You refer to the legendary rock-trio as “the other Rush.” 

You think democracy is good for the Middle East except for when they vote. 

You strongly believe in states’ rights and Lincoln is your favorite president. 

After Obama’s reelection you’re hoping the Mayans were right after all. 

The past few months you’ve lost more Facebook friends than Jerry Sandusky. 

You’re starting to think that your recent conversion to Mormonism is just a phase.  

The thing that really bothers you about hurricane Sandy is she blew away Mitt’s momentum. 

Relatedly, the most harrowing image of the storm’s aftermath is Chris Christie “making out” with Barack Hussein Obama.  

You’re so angry with liberal “Americans” for destroying your country that you could literally bomb Iran.
 
You’ve been called everything but a “White boy” because women, gays, and minorities hate you.
 
Glenn Beck’s your favorite Mormon again. 

You can hardly smile at this list because it’s “just too soon.”  

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Okay, all joking aside: It seems that the Republican Party is a political body in search of a soul. Where does the GOP go from here? How did it lose—in an electoral landslide—to what it views as arguably the worst President in American history? 

We are told that the facts of the election are these: 93 % of the Black vote, 71% of the Latino vote, and 55% of the women vote went to Obama. How can the GOP compensate for this? 

As Newsweek’s cover gloats, “GOP: You’re Old, You’re White, You’re History.”  

Already, two antithetical camps are vocalizing what the GOP should do in preparing for the future. (These two factions go back several years.) 

The one argues that the GOP must do a much better job in appealing to minorities and women. How does the Party do this? Simply offering up a conservative woman, Hispanic, or Black candidate will not suffice. No, rather it must move further Left on social issues. Drop abortion. Concede gay marriage. Embrace whatever it is minorities feel entitled to.  

The other side argues that the Party must get back to its historic “core values.” It claims that the GOP must be more fiscally and socially conservative—be a real alternative to the Democratic Party. This faction favors appealing to true conservatives who have been put off by the likes of Bush, McCain, and Romney. 

Which way the GOP go? I think the former. It will go Left. It will court women and minorities like a starry-eyed lover fawning for the object of his desire—his beloved who is dreamily in the arms of another.

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